One-and-a-half cheers to all! That’s half the quota in keeping with half the quota of vaccinations I’ve had. In another month (or half), I shall organise a vaccination reveal party, where people who reveal they have not had the jab will be asked to leave so the bodies and their antibodies can mix with greater freedom and less fear. It will be a BYO party – bring your own antibody.

That’s for the future. Meanwhile, social distancing has been cut by half too. You can come within one metre of me rather than the recommended two. And I need to wash only one hand as part of the hand-washing ritual to keep the virus at bay. Also, I need to mask only one nostril and half my mouth. The virus on its part I expect will attack only one half of my body if at all.

You are allowed to half-hug me, and if we are travelling together you may use half the arm rest on the aircraft while I am free to use the other half. This proportion will not change even if you have had only the first vaccination. Your half and my half together do not make a whole. This is important to remember. Two and two make two, as any epidemiologist worth his salt will tell you.

I can visit the cinema, though, but will have to leave half-way through the movie. At restaurants I need to pay only half the bill. Where half a loaf is better than none at all, I am expected to have only a quarter of a loaf. My better half is now my better quarter. As I am her better quarter too. I can run the 100 metres in world-record time because I actually need to run just 50 metres.

But I suspect all this fun and games will end when I take my second jab and receive my vaccination passport (or vaxport, perhaps even vaxpass) that declares I am no longer a threat to life and property and might now be allowed to watch the full movie or pay the full bill at restaurants. I shall, in short, go back to being my boring old self after a brief period as an unclassifiable person whose maths is 50 per cent correct. I will have to leave arm rests alone especially if seated next to someone with bigger arms and a why-don’t-you-try-it-pal expression on his face.

Still, I look forward to that second jab. I will continue to avoid the same people I avoided before, and pretend to publishers that I was unaware of deadlines. But at least I will be able to say three hearty cheers with a clear conscience.

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