Save our sunbeds

If you’re still throwing a towel over the prime poolside location on your way to breakfast, then you’re stuck in a selfish Nineties rut. Consider sun loungers as the egalitarian restaurant that doesn’t take bookings, annoying but fair.

Tile toes

Hot dog legs are very summer 2016. We’re about #Ihavethisthingwithfloors #tilesofinstagram now. Think of a foreign land as a place to live out the bathroom floor fantasies. The power move is to find a floor that coordinates with your sandals. Pure Instagram-nirvana.

Living your best life

Look, social media has made vain morons of all of us. Yes, you’re on holiday. Congratulations. You picked up the wrong book in duty free and you’re bored. I understand. You look out at the azure ocean and wrinkle-free sand, admire your still-unchipped pedicure, and consider, ‘perhaps everyone else wants to see this too!’ Spoiler: we don’t. Consider some restraint, one beach pic per holiday is sufficient. If you must spam our feed, the very least you can do is work on an amusing caption. Simply putting a smug “OOO” or “Monday’s office!” or the ghastly, “not a bad view” makes you sound like you’re trying to entertain the crowd at a middle management away day. You can do better than that.

Pro-posing

It’s understandable that you may consider your new tropical location as a passport to a different life. One with a seamless ability to always turn left when boarding. Why not be an influencer! Some advice: clear the backdrop – you want it to appear as if you have happily stumbled across your own private hidden cove rather than the grotty end of Faliraki. A fresh coconut (only biodegradable straws please) makes an excellent prop. Ice cream should be gelato (in at least two flavours to add contrasting pops of colours) and in a cup, with the name of its purveyor in a jaunty italic.

Blow it up

Pineapples are very two summers ago. Flamingoes were last year. This year, the rainbow-coiffed unicorn is the inflatable du jour. Early adopters are also boarding the late entry, Missoni butterfly. It’s fine to be cynical about this. It’s probably more fun to get on top though. However, if you are sharing a pool, small children will be catnip to your ride. It’s only fair to let them have a float.

Reading material

No one does a Kindle any more. 1) it makes a terrible Instagram photo. 2) everyone knows your literary material speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. Yes it does. And who wants to miss out on that opportunity of pretension? If you’ve still not read The Girls or Eleanor Oliphant, then do so under your towel. This year everybody’s moved on to Madeline Miller’s Circe.

Luncheon attire

Sarongs are very tempting. I understand that, so simple! But, for full-style kudos, you should really be in an artisanal kaftan. Please pop it on for lunch – too much sweaty flesh on show over the calamari is rather off-putting. Something for men to note too, put the hairy chest away while we’re chewing. Please.

Feet first

If you’re the sort to try to wear heels on the beach, I’m afraid we can’t be friends. Thanks be to sports luxe, a lo-fi flip-flop is all you need. You could spend Dh1,000 on a Givenchy pair. Or... Dh100 on a Nike Benassi slider! Either will look striking against a monochrome tile-scape.

Picture approval

There is nothing crueller than posting a picture of anyone on the beach without their express permission. You wouldn’t like it. Always offer approval and input over the filter used. No one wants a shiny nose.

Hat-iquette

Giant hats can be very annoying to other people trying to see or get past you. Consider removing when wafting around the complex. Equally, if you are keen to spy on your fellow sun-worshippers, a wide brim offers a very good covert operational base.

Don’t forget to factor it in...

Yes, you need sun cream slathered on your back. But don’t wait until your husband has settled himself and is halfway into a chapter before you ask. Believe me.